I haven't posted a journal in a while. Man I've been lazy on doing it.
Well, I have just finished the spring quarter for Yakima Valley Community College, and I will be taking the summer quarter off to escape the heat and work on finding myself a job.
The reason I am taking the summer quarter off is because the teachers aren't going to in the college all summer, and they won't have any work lined up for us to earn our credits for our diplomas. Anything there is to do over the summer quarter are practice packets. I'm not going to walk through the smoldering heat to do more practice, so I might as well only leave the premises of my home if its to go do my custodial duties, go shopping, occasion and to go find myself a job at Worksource.
I have another good reason as to why I don't want to be out in the heat as much. When I was young, growing up in Grandview, I would have heat strokes, I can't stand the heat all that well around here. I've been cooped up inside my home for as long as I have lived here because of this awful heat, this feels like the kind of heat where the streets should have combusted into a road of fire, in my opinion.
The only time I could get out more often is during the fall and winter when it's cool enough to walk outside without being baked like a ceramic knick-knack in a matter of seconds.
I do have to go in for advising day at the YVCC to see what classes I will take next, and where the classes will be held. I'll be going in on monday, then I should have the whole quarter to relax and escape the heat.
As for the current situation on finding a job, Worksource had me work at someplace else as part of an assessment to see how I performed. The person I am working with has all the data written up on how I performed and sent to the DVR, now I just wait to see if there will be an appointment, and where to go from there.
I lost one of my relatives several days ago, due to liver cancer. When I heard the news, I got real sick near the end of the spring quarter. Thank the Lord he is with me in my weeping as he is with me in my sorrows, he has seen me through my tests and he has healed me from all this congestion. I was worried I might fail my CASAS test if I was too sick to do the test.
-- Xem's moment time--
(Warning: Rather wordy and emotional. Read at your own leisure and discretion. Please be respectable and mature.)
You know? There was a lot I missed out on what I could learn during my younger years in high school. I was always a class clown, I encouraging myself to be too concerned with keeping up with a social appearance and acting however I wanted, I was paranoid and didn't to behave or mature because I believe that If I did as I thought society wanted me to be, I'd grow up to be like some kind of brainwashed goody two-shoes sailor suit wearing kid with a lollipop. To me, that was something that felt evil to me, and I didn't even want to come close to someone who will only believe what he is told, doing anything he is told even if it was something I was told to do that was immoral and unethical.
I wanted to be able to think and be constantly aware of whats going around me, and be able to act on it if I am willing to do so, and if what I know I was going to do was going to bring a lot of good. Too bad I tried to achieve that the wrong way by being a pain in a butt to my own family and the entire school at that time.
I was lonely too, I didn't want to be too engrossed in the education I was given and forget about the friends I had. At that time I was also going through some emotional trouble, the problem is when I had my mind set on something, I didn't want to stop. I felt if I could fix and problem, I had to keep going with whatever I had my mind set to and keep charging ahead. I didn't realize a lot of the harm I was doing, but I wanted to keep charging, still expecting things to get better, even if I was onto my last leg and everything blew up when I ran through it.
Now that I have had time to think, mature, and an education to teach me a lot of things, I've come to identify myself a lot, and I felt I have only scratched the bottom of the barrel on realizing who I am.
I should feel proud to come this long way on the road to maturity, I still feel it's hard to forgive myself and let go of some of the things I said and did that were in bad taste, and were very immature and destructive. I can't help but sometimes lose touch with reality now and than, having an intrusive thought on how I behaved, or a thought on some of the things I said, and it has made me wince. And these intrusive thoughts were triggered in some way when I was met with anything. I guess I am crazy, huh?
... the best way to describe the way I am now is... chaotic and inconsistent. Sure I am loving, brotherly, crazy in a good way, I am smart and I am way too patient and caring for my own good. I even like to cuddle and to give and receive a lot of love. I love those traits about myself.
... It's just some of the traits I can remember now and then, and the ones that do show up when I am met with someone or something else that I feel I have neglected to I identify and define what that part of me is and why It happens... they can be unsavory, some I'm not sure is really wrong or bad, but can be pessimistic, or can be mistaken for being rude or as having an perspective and an attitude that is a bad thing.
I still have a lot more ways to go, I feel I have failed on that road of maturity, since I'm 26 and I should be 100% adult as a lot of grown people have set as the bar for other people to achieve. I do feel I'm understanding is that some grown-ups aren't 100% mature themselves, and they have to face these characteristics they have, and it's some of these traits that can't be gotten rid of easily and they just need to be refined over time. I picked up a philosophical line
that best describes my understanding about adulthood and maturity, "The sign of a mature man, is that is he is a bit immature". Maybe these things that I am now will grow with me as I finally can be mature and be able to hold my own in the world, some can be gotten rid of, some I may have to live for the rest of my living and breathing days but that I can refine them. I just need to do what I can do, to the best of what I know when I see these problems and they need to be tackle.
I think God has shed wisdom on me in ways I did not think was possible. I have him, and a lot of my friends to thank for being the wise and strong people I needed when I was thirsty for more knowledge, and I ended up with more wisdom than I could fit on a table. Heh.
I think I will end it off here, I am tired, over heated, and I want to put on some emotional tunes, something mellow and a bit sad to go with the mood I am feeling now.
Thank you all, and God bless.