Howdy ya'll! Those who read my journals will read on whats going on with me, I don't do much in the way of poetry and art since I don't have much interest anymore; save for the occasional inspiration. The following content will be a wall of text (sort of) and a bit heavy. Patience is required.
As the title reads, I thought I'd do an update journal on myself while getting on that subject. It may come to as a surprise for some people that I wasn't as in touch with my feelings as I would let on. I may delve on it occasionally but as I was younger and... trying to make everything simple in a rather absurd way, I listened more to my brain. Those who lived to be my friend after dealing with me would know I am blunt, to the point, and have a bad habit to not think things through before speaking about it. I can often come off as a jerk, heartless or something else else considered offensive, which isn't my intention.
A lot of that pays to the fact I would spend too much time on the computer trying to find the answers I would like rather than listen for God's calling and receiving his unfailing love. And the fact that I discovered about myself is that I try to view life as one, big micromanaged system. If someone were to know something, I would expect everyone I interacted with to know as well. It's hard to describe it, but my brain process was stuck in a phase of either "If you know you should be doing it, you don't even think about not doing it and just do it now despite what can happen." or the opposite of "If you know you shouldn't, just stop. completely. Despite everything that happens and will happen... Stop. Right. Now." only imagine it from my thought process like some angry giant just blasting down on you with a voice deep enough to be mistaken for an earthquake.
I was hard on myself in this way too. I mean I am generally nice, and I am opened minded, I can be firm as needed as well. Back then I still had things to figure out and things to sort out, in some cases I didn't want to figure out or sort anything out and try to make sense of the chaos as it was. Plus my poor choices and keeping to huddle to the internet has done some mental and emotional damage to a point that I can have invasive thoughts and twitch my right hand. Most of that history though I won't delve into. I just kept myself to a metaphorical knife point, if I felt I committed something akin to a cardinal sin, I would just mentally assault myself with condensing thoughts. Because of that lifestyle I also kept mostly indoors, with occasional contact with my church and the congregation I came to love like a family. There was so much I could learn about the world around me but I kept myself narrowminded... somehow... that kept me shortsighted. In that way I was troubled and didn't want my family to know about it and just sort things out. I didn't have much of a healthy relationship with my family and Christ either as I wanted to let on.
However, God is a loving, living breathing God, and pretty dedicated in ways I didn't think possible (again, I had my problems and was short sighted), and I think I can see how God can move in such mysterious and unpredictable ways.
This is going to sound absurd but a fandom video has given me some insight on on some topics as it was being taken seriously. It's difficult to explain this as well but it definitely gave me some new ways to think and has changed my out look on things.
Another is from taking a step out into the world, but also a step into myself and to actually listen to my heart and my brain for once, instead of that part of my that has nothing better to do than judge myself. I learned quite a lot about myself over the course of time, and my interactions with my family and Christ has improved! Heck, being in touch with my feelings helped clear my head and I can think and feels things in new ways I thought simply impossible. I feel embarrassed since I'm already a grown man that should have done this back then in his youth, but I just couldn't straighten things out and I still wanted to handle it myself. It will sound weird but it's like feeling my heart beat and feeling that fuzziness for the first time. Like petting the most luxurious fur on an exotic animal! It tingles! Feels great.
In all that, God has sorted out a lot of my baggage and repaired what I simply couldn't. And he has helped me through the interactions and examples of my friends and the things I interact or observe from as well. I have had that same interaction with my family and it has gotten better. God is good, and can do amazing things. Even
latest journal on "Masterstroke - Why Does God Allow So Much Pain?
" explains that God is not a evil being whom we make out to be, especially when there are those who spend so much trying to prove he either doesn't exist or is some horrible being. We often forget one important factor in why there is pain, destruction and the like: The Devil. I can testify this is a good video with a good evidence, it may not cover everything in the kitchen sink for any questions outside of what the video contains, but I can assure for those who are looking for answers can sit through this without it bring cringe worthy (by which I define as cringe worthy is that some who preach will do it for control and power, just recite things from the bible just to look impressive... or minister with just hate and aggression).
In the long run... this changes so many things, but they got better as God intended. I give thanks to the Living, Breathing God, for his love, mercy, compassion, and his saving grace for carrying me from inside the fire to a soothing healing river. I figured this would be good to post about so people who had this problem can also relate and find some answers for themselves.
God bless you all and take care!